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Tuesday, April 12th, 2011

Time:1:13 am.
everything is right-justified here now - kind of annoying.
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Thursday, June 10th, 2010

Time:11:25 pm.
Mood:curious.
for all the times i mean to post here, it just doesn't happen. the thing about negative feedback is that it is a lot easier to remember than anything positive due to basic adaptive behavior. even perceived negative response can be a block - this is why i usually yammer about interpersonal balance... in hopes that shit doesn't get to me as quickly.

been soaking up the alone time, but i am still kind of in a place where i can get away with not making choices/decisions, so it's not really being that productive. really lazy with keeping track of chores, food, cleaning etc.

i have an awful time getting motivated - at work i had to push myself to the furthest edge of possible job loss just so i would be forced to be completely perfect all the time. doing it isn't the problem, but going through all the extra effort is a bit ridiculous. i play it off as mind games, and it is interesting to see how people react to change/stress, but at the end of the day i do have to pay to play.

the thing is i do respect my boss for what he does, its just that his focus is so limited. just a very physical/mechanical/logical mentality, quick to see flaws and identify any impediments to progress. he just ends up forming very sharp dividing lines wherever he goes, and makes himself in the right by keying into the documentation/details/specifics. i guess not everyone can coerce people into joining them to do whatever, so i should take that and roll with it, but it is just hard to relate to people who force others to do things in general.

and my way is pretty much the opposite of formalized power, so i guess i need to think about the areas that would influence. its obvious he is in the place he can have the maximum amount of influence, i just need to follow suit.

but don't get me wrong, i absolutely love the personal challenge he poses, there's just so little chance to access it without severe consequences. it is always like that when i interact with traditionalists and even just judgers in general, but him being an introvert and an intuitive makes it a lot easier to piece that mindset together.

i'm hoping that if i am able to get more creative about my un-power, i can just be in the middle of whatever that is and stop being drawn to these types of personalities. i'd probably have to be a lot more interactive with strangers, they would be the most logical resource.
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Sunday, February 28th, 2010

Subject:emotive
Time:2:49 am.
been super emotive lately - up down etc. i try not to get people sucked in, but that's most of the fun. got some cds that can really get me cranked up or really wallow in the lows. not really sure what i'm trying to accomplish with this besides it being fun. spend a lot of time crazy-singing in the car 8D maybe i'm just working the extraversion. still getting a lot of signals to be thorough and responsible but meh.

been playing around a bit at work, got my boss to love, hate, then love me again. added benefit was having that process pull an awful coworker into a more responsible position and then failing utterly and getting moved back to her place at the bottom. so boss is back to loving me, but with the added benefit of him being forced to change his opinion (he is a strong judger and resistant to change of any sort) and the coworker had to taste the better position and then get turned away (she is manipulative, insecure, and basically undermines all the friendly, trusting people i work with).

now that this has been accomplished i guess i have to start on my more constructive goals of grad school etc. assuming i don't get any further responsibilites at work.

every couple years, months whatever people try to get me to interface with them. i should probably meet them halfway, but as always, when i am stressed i want to be alone and when i am happy i relish being alone. so far i have ran into a handful of people who at least appear to sympathize with my frame of reference, and remain congenial despite my extreme distance. actually started talking to my old high school buddy again last year like nothing had happened, but that is kind of the way most of my friendships are. another guy i hadn't talked to in 10 years chatted for couple hours like no time had passed except for the strange things he had done ;)

still interested in the role time will play for me in the future. need to remain connected to the people i knew before so that we can keep track of each other as things progress. still reading business paper although without clear goals as i am still paying off the car (which turned out to be a pretty poor investment, albeit a very useful one).
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Tuesday, June 9th, 2009

Time:9:07 pm.
i'm not sure if everyone gets this or not, but i have been feeling like people are taking a lot out of everything i do. i have always been pretty sure of myself and how i relate to others, but this almost palpable observation and expectation people have of me is intimidating. i know that people expect something from me - something big and influential, but usually i just blurt out passive-aggressive dissections of current social structures or trends (when i'm not making flippant jokes). i see the things that i wish would happen manifest themselves in other spheres and wonder if i am a part of the flow of the idea or if i'm just feeling the ripples of an older concept set in motion - or something resonates with me but i am not picking it up and amplifying it on my end.

i may have lost most meaningful contact with time. things for me are reduced to the present for the most part. however, i am largely unable to remain in a steady state emotionally, so the present continues to blur my vision of the future. my passionate love/hate relationship with control has finally narrowed its scope to my own life and the nonexistent self-control i exhibit. the job and my boss are very clear objectives to meet 8 hours a day, and a very rigid controlling structure i can cling to. but as i have done in the past, i seem to be latching onto an excess of what i need in order to keep from having to do it myself. i should be becoming more able to transfer any of this discipline outside of the workplace and get things moving.

part of it is depression or lack of motivation, but frustration with myself is part of it too. the expectations others have of me make me more aware of the looming failures i dread and subconsciously create for myself. but when i am able to impress, woo, and teach them enough, the feedback loop of the attention and expectation means i am riding high for days. but i know that i can't keep pace with constantly growing expectations - and then i start over again.
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Thursday, March 19th, 2009

Time:12:35 am.
Mood:refreshed.
for what it's worth, i made today awesome, even though everyone around me was completely misearable. feeding off stress works out pretty well when you feed off other people's stress instead of your own. i busted it all day and then hit ultra-cruise starting at 4pm. lots of car-dancing-windows-down-hand-signaling-cloud-gazing going on. tried to make some pizza crust, but melted the bowl and overcooked the dough while trying to prep it. this was the sacrifice for my bliss i guess. say goodbye to two cups of flour, some yeast, water, sugar, and oil i guess.

i have a bad habit of self-medicating. i try to tell myself that it's better than being on anti-depressants because i start and stop depending on how "good" or "bad" i am, but really they are just different types of mental crutches. but it is empowering to know that i am responsible for my own progress or lack thereof.

i have been thinking the past couple days about negative emotions and their similarity to pain. namely, that they are psychological signals that something is wrong, much like pain is a physical signal that something is wrong. most people know that if they are in pain they should do something about it, but somehow people don't think that if they are under stress or psychological pressure they should make an effort to fix the issues that are bothering them.

this belief that psychological pain is only a symptom is why i try to avoid repressing it. like with pain pills - you can take them forever, but you won't ever fix what is causing you pain - you just end up needing more and more. in the case of psychological pain this takes the form of more and/or different anti-depressants or mood-altering drugs, which only serve to keep you from glimpsing the issue(s) just under your surface.

what makes certain mood altering drugs acceptable... the big business that goes into "proving" that they won't kill people in africa or china? the marketing which breaks it down into less risky alternatives than your inability to cope with reality? meeting the perceived status quo of millions of strangers you will never meet? the fact that your retirement is funded by the success of these tools of delusion? who is the main benefactor of your pharmaceutical dependency? who is the main benefactor of illegal chemical depenedency? why are you stuck in the middle?
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Tuesday, March 17th, 2009

Time:10:16 pm.
Mood:abstract.
i usually feel imposed on by people, which is why i try to keep my distance. i think i need to try immersing myself in them a bit more, but fighting back with the force of my own personality - push the equilibrium back the other way a bit. this might be something that only applies to certain personalities though - have to watch that.

i know that a lot of people look to me for guidance or opinion or something for whatever reason - or at least listen to me. i need to stop running from that and make it a positive thing. i can't succeed if i keep being afraid of people expecting more from me. i just need to start expecting better of myself too. living up to mine and others' expectations is always the problem. my expectations are so high that they intimidate me, and those of others i perceive too strongly, which is also intimidating, but more of a question of that interpersonal balance. i guess i should break my ideals down a bit which is kind of frustrating - i don't like having to focus on details. i guess i'm not entirely confident i have the ability to make several pieces come together at once yet. i am still focused on getting that one giant thing to slowly come into focus and outshine everything around.

not sure how i will gather the energy to deal with this and start/continue to take GOOD care of myself, my surroundings, and the few responsibilities i actually have. it's been a bit too long since my last serious upswing, so i'm resolved to create another one. interesting article today in the wall street journal about cognitive therapy, stress, and medicine - apparently thinking yourself _____ is more accepted than i thought. luckily i am a pro - at least when i keep up with it.


been thinking a good deal about abstract concepts like love, fear, time, money, race lately. i'm wondering how i can balance people's interactions with them.
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Sunday, November 23rd, 2008

Subject:reunion
Time:2:28 am.
Mood:creative.
got together with a bunch of college friends tonight - it was fun, if somewhat superficial (only because of the limited time and biggish crowd). it's frustrating only being in town for a couple of weeks. even though that is ample time to connect with people, it still leaves a lot of questions unanswered. i barely scratch the surface of the issues my friends are dealing with. i catch the latest news, but am unable to assuage the deeper issues. since i'm here for a few weeks, i do get a chance to hear a bit more. luckily, some of them search out more of a connection. that is the kind of thing that is really interesting. got a little tipsy, so my good intentions were masked by the slurred speech :/

i need to be able to connect that deeply with everyone. i only wish i had enough time to listen, understand, and appreciate everyone's issues. i have gained a lot more energy to deal with the stressful situations others are in, but i am still not certain that i am completely equipped to deal with them and push others into more constructive patterns. all of the issues are so diverse - it puts me in a lot of different places. it's all in fun though. i like being all of these things.

i'm feeling like finding and exuding love is really important lately - i am seeing the fear vs. love dichotomy a lot more clearly lately, and it's alternately scary and empowering. these are mutually exclusive concepts, and i feel like i am tapped into a real source of power. i am trying to figure out how to communicate this choice to people around me without alienating them. things are pretty interesting lately.
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Monday, October 27th, 2008

Time:4:40 pm.
Mood:creative.
i joined facebook - it's a lot nicer than myspace, but most of the people from high school remember me as who i was in high school i think, so they assume i am still as spacy and confusing. i'm actually feeling much more grounded lately, like i have some gigantic purpose that i'm finally on the brink of realizing. i can feel it, but i'm not sure what shape it will take. i've always been pretty good at bringing people together - but i'm not sure if politics suits me or if it would actually accomplish anything.

the high school friends i found on facebook are white-collar successful for the most part - professionals. i know that i am smart enough to be in a higher tier, but i have to make certain that my role is in line with my beliefs. otherwise i can't tap into whatever mystical connection i've been having lately. although, the mayor here seems to be an idealist too, so i fall in line pretty easily. there's a need for people of our generation to connect in order to more quickly ease the transition between this stale ruling order and the new long-term regeneration. i'm not up to speed on my end of things though. looks like the water engineering thing is going to have to become a reality. hopefully i can prompt my friend into getting more serious with his degree (aquaculture). one of his friends owns a farm/fruit stand. i fantasize about forming sustainable micro-communities with people i like. tribalism has always fascinated me. hopefully the continuing challenges of this job and possible higher degree will ingrain the discipline i so desperately need in order to import my dreams more fully into the material world.
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Sunday, October 19th, 2008

Subject:tampa beer fest
Time:12:12 am.
Mood:curious.
went to a beer fest tonight - went ok. i was re-exposed to a lot of the college-type issues of the past. touchy-feely drunk chick, shallow marketing chicks, online columnist scenester, trashed white-trash dude, random friendly older guy, hippy-fried world-changer, more shallow bar-star chicks, and accompanying tough-guy guardians. i decided i was confident enough to small-talk with some marketing types, which wasn't so great actually. spent most of the night with friends of a friend that had facial cold-sores (ew). lots of 'laid-back' types interspersed with the id-happy dancers. everyone needing something.

it's challenging to know who deserves what they need.

so far there haven't been a whole lot that are deserving. i usually end up giving animals the benefit of the doubt, just because they have to deal with whatever people do to them. i try to encourage the people who get treated that way, and shame or constrain the people who are insistent of others.

most of the problem is that i lose interest once i discover how limited others' focus is. how can i bridge the gap between the shallow exteriors and the actualization of the real issues people motivate themselves with? what is the code that others use to hide their real selves? how can i convince them that this is the only valuable thing they have? what is it that made the switch for me?

it's a lot easier with animals.
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Thursday, October 9th, 2008

Time:8:31 pm.
Mood:frustrated.
Polling places lack resources, civil rights group says.

States’ Actions to Block Voters Appear Illegal


food for thought that may make you nauseous. hope you got your voter registration all set - it was due the 6th here. good luck voting.
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Monday, October 6th, 2008

Subject:starts and stops
Time:10:35 pm.
Mood:neutral.
i think i'm going to try to get back into posting here more frequently. i've made some progress with the things that were bothering me when i started here, and have been encouraged by the few comments i get here and in one of the communities i actually post in. i may have to start randomly friending people and communities, but that's what livejournal is all about i guess. i get the no-feeling on myspace blogging, since the connections there are shallower by design.

the economic stuff is on my mind lately. i'm trying to learn as much as i can about all the heady mumbo-jumbo of finance and investing. the jargon and numbers don't really keep my interest, but positioning for future profit and joining vague connections is pretty fun, so i'm hoping i can get my intuition set on a path to worldly success pronto. i was able to get free subscriptions to fortune and the wall street journal from my expiring frequent flyer miles, which should help with the follow-through. time is always the deciding factor. i have a pretty relaxed attitude towards time unfortunately, so it pretty much hinges on my ability to act on my intuition and perception when it first becomes important. luckily, i've been trying to do this to varying success a lot lately. i just need to stay aware of it more often.

i'm somewhat worried about relating to people - i still keep people at arm's length all the time instead of drawing close and pulling away as i need to. i need to get back into some closer situations so i can fine-tune this awareness and score some much-needed TLC. i think a lot of the reason i've gotten back into exercise is for the endorphins. i can definitely tell i need to make myself relax, but i don't feel like wearing myself out ALL the time, so i need to find some other healthy stress-relievers (like doing the things i keep telling myself i enjoy). the tension headaches and TMJ aren't really helping me keep things optimistic.
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Sunday, September 14th, 2008

Subject:still here
Time:7:58 pm.
Mood:distant.
just kind of taking things as they come lately. i've been myspacing intermittently and keeping a running dialogue of the personal things i need to change from day-to-day, which keeps me off livejournal mostly. i don't really feel secure posting that kind of stuff out in the open anymore unfortunately. i guess it could potentially help people in similar situations, but usually the potential for misinterpretation is a much bigger danger. not to mention the fact that i've pretty much tried to slip below the radar here and everywhere else. my sister is starting her family counseling internship pretty soon, and it makes me wonder about other paths my life could've taken. i'm fairly comfortable being supportive and encouraging wherever i go, but maybe i could be making more of an impact in another area. the work environment is going very well for what it's worth. expanding my social circle could be the next move towards spreading it around - not really sure.

i'm starting to realize what i need from other people - but slowly, since i'm only just starting to become myself fully. for a long time i figured what i needed was to just be everything, but i'm gradually accepting that that is beyond my reach. i'm trying to keep that pressure to be things for people under control, and merge my goals into my own life. i'm lucky in that i have a job that i am well suited for but that also encourages a lot of growth in my weaker areas. at least that's what i'm going to keep telling myself. i lost my momentum briefly, but that was more along the lines of testing the boundaries at work than of attempting to get out. there's not a lot of new ideas or room for connecting new concepts in labwork, so i get a lot out of the emotional states of the people i work with, and hearing about their experiences. it's not all so serious, most of the time people just need something to laugh at, and i'm happy to oblige. plus i'm not really too good at talking about emotions yet - they tend to run together.

i do enjoy reading the couple of journals that still update :) i identify with everyone, so it's fun hearing what is happening in your lives. for a long time i was unable to update just because there were a lot of issues with the relationship i was in and i didn't want that to spill over here.
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Friday, August 29th, 2008

Time:7:58 pm.
Mood:tense.
i've been sinking into routine and fear of the unknown too much lately. my adaptive skills are only digging me further into my unpalatable situation by rationalizing and coping with any unpleasantness. this calls for either a planned, structured change to pull myself up with or an extra helping of unplanned chaos and random chance to seize onto and drift with. uniting these diametrically opposed approaches is still the mystery. i am thinking that i can plan/structure my daily life and leave myself free to intuitively navigate the bigger issues. it is still pretty hard for me to make myself do anything though.
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Monday, February 18th, 2008

Time:8:10 pm.
bought some new shoes, glasses this week. kind of nice i guess. i gained five pounds of muscle (i think) and lost it due to lack of interest in eating and general lethargy. think i'm coming around the giant sleep debt i had from working two jobs, which means i have to go through the tight-chest shortness of breath a second time, but instead of gradually getting worse it will slowly get better over a period of weeks. hopefully this means my adrenalin will calm down a bit, but i kind of doubt that. i have a hard time letting myself not be anxious about things, but am pretty firmly opposed to a chemically-induced oblivion not of my creation.

to that end i've tried to cut back on the beer buying. somehow i've managed to get my buddy interested in good beer, which i'm relegating to the days we get together for tennis. i've really been enjoying getting to play every week, and my game is picking up somewhat. all that and i get to shoot the shit all evening, too. it is hard to balance working out and playing tennis - usually i just skip working out which kind of sucks. tennis at least is good for the core which i usually skip, but the beer is slowly catching up to me.

i'm enjoying staying off the radar - but i'd get more out of it if i managed to let myself out of my head a little bit. otherwise i'm just putting my problems off... again. kind of overwhelmed myself getting involved in myspace. i like writing because i can revise what i say and not screw up too much, but i hate it because of the weight it carries.

not sure about long-term goals... i should probably have some. i have a vague feeling that i won't be able to find mostly sane, intelligent people in tampa, but it's probably just my fear talking. worried about the future in general - watched this six degrees thing on the national geographic channel about global warming and the potential weather and environmental effects. been thinking about volcanoes a lot lately. maybe i'll become one.
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Monday, January 28th, 2008

Time:9:31 pm.
i only worry about what i say when it means something to me. most of the time my emotions are so removed from others that i am giddy and flippant about everything. the times that a feeling means something to me, i am usually confused as to what the emotion actually is. i'm much better at picking up emotions from other places. i'm so good that i have to retreat from those emotional places while i try to center myself in my own emotion.
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Monday, January 21st, 2008

Time:4:32 pm.
the illusion of control is one of the few i still rely on. i'm getting better at letting irrelevant things just slide away while waiting for what should happen, but it's tough to know which is which. the hardest part is really getting into the needing of something, and owning that feeling.

at the same time, i should just get over it and make things happen sometimes. i let a lot of opportunities pass me by when i play it safe. i need to realize that i won't be ready for a lot of the things i'm going to have to do. but when it's right, it will work out anyway.

put yourself out there. that's where everyone else is.
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Thursday, January 17th, 2008

Time:7:01 pm.
i can feel the job using up my confidence and energy reserves, so i've been trying to escape which just makes it worse. i'm switching gears and trying to kick its ass through zealous determination and busy-body-ness, which translates to working out again and actually doing the housework i need to do in a timely fashion. pretty exciting stuff. but making myself do things is actually pretty therapeutic... i just need to make the things that i do more important than feeding my ever-growing vanity.

i was so happy, confident, and well-behaved when i started. i need to focus on who i am outside of the job, to keep myself on good behavior while i'm at the job. i've slipped back into gossip and teasing, which can only mean i've become more insecure. there's an undercurrent of blame at the lab, which keeps heightening my paranoia. i need to limit my focus to my tasks, as most decisions are made for me, and just worry about the things that are actually important to me personally.

i've been able to convince one of the girls i work with to eat healthier and exercise, so that's one positive. we also have very compatible personality types, so it's been great training with her - very low key. i feel that there is a place for me at the lab, but am still very uncertain since most of the official feedback i receive is negative.

going to subscribe to the paper i guess, so i can find some things to do randomly, as well as scout car prices. although it's looking like i may wait until fall sometime to get a car for the massive deals. daily commute is only 10 miles or so, and the rust pisses off my jock/slut neighbors and their expedursions/luxury sedans/"work" trucks. meanwhile, i build my savings and retirement accounts, and go to the dentist for the first time in a few years.
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Saturday, January 5th, 2008

Time:9:09 pm.
got a new job a couple months ago - i work for the city of tampa now, doing analytical testing on wastewater. making good money, so i'm gearing up to buy the things i constantly deprive myself of, which so far has been beer, dairy products, and fast food for the most part. i'm renting a nicer apartment about 10 minutes away and soon enough i will begin feeling around for a new car, but no rush.

my parents were generous enough to fly me back home for both thanksgiving and christmas. this was the first year i'd been home for the holidays in probably three years i think, so it was awesome to just sit at home for 5 days and remember who and where i come from. my sister was home for christmas too, and it was so good to spend some time with her. she has another year or so in california finishing her practicum for family counseling. no telling what she'll be doing after that.

didn't really call anyone when i was at home although i thought about it pretty hard (like that counts)... just enjoyed the time away from everything (except family issues). but seeing the family issues solidifies the desire to fix those problems, so it was all right really. that's another reason it was good to have my sister there, we compare notes :)

been trying to work up the drive to cook for myself lately. got some kitchen appliances for christmas as well as a subscription to cooking light, but it's always so much easier to just grab some fruit, milk, beans, bread, cheese, chocolate chips, just whatever is ready to eat.

i have this habit of losing touch with people, but thinking that i'm still connected to them somehow. i enjoy this feeling, but i think that it alienates my friends. i have absolutely no problem picking up where i left off with my few friends, but should probably put the effort into keeping in touch semi-regularly. i just don't like the phone. with my sister or my friend sam, i'll find myself thinking about them for the entire day before i receive a call from them, which kind of makes me smile. i do need to be careful though, relying so much on my intuition is starting to wipe my attention to detail, which is kind of important in lab work. the whole atmosphere there is focused on making any mistakes someone else's problem which is kind of annoying. no one is responsible for anything these days, and it just keeps spreading.

i've enjoyed getting to know the people in the lab - all women, but a new guy (middle-aged) is starting next week. but most are only a few years older than me, so it's not a stretch to talk to them, except when they talk about their kids. the rest of the plant is pretty much all guys, but i work in the admin building so it's about 50/50 guys and gals. there's a very social lunch crowd of admin and lab people, so it's fun to shoot the shit and joke around with everyone.

i'd intended to join a tennis team and a church by now, we'll see how i do in the next few weeks/months/years before i post again.

looks like getting my ass in gear is the big hurdle currently. i have a hard time getting motivated unless there is threat of imminent doom or some crucial deadline. no time like the present i guess. i guess the extreme self-confidence from getting the job is slowly wearing off, because now i just feel like a fake. not sure how to turn it back on, probably has to do with the whole faith thing.

happy trails.
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Monday, September 11th, 2006

Time:10:54 pm.
been feeling really down lately. don't really have any friends down here, or any time to see them without really killing myself the next day. work two jobs, work when i get home. i even have to work to get enough sleep. any career ideas? i'm looking at changing careers. turns out getting a random degree gets you a random (and crappy) job. looking at going back to school or starting at the bottom of the corporate world. i am so bad at thinking up different jobs. i seriously can only think of like two - science and business. getting a job would be so much easier if i could just get interviews - i'm a lot faker and shinier in person, plus i get to play dress-up which i love. whatever... i'm through. oh yeah - lj interests collage is attached. i mentioned doing a collage with sarah - we might make it happen. we had a craft day a couple of months ago - we hot glued cheetos and fritos to make little figurines. i made a snowshoveler and sarah made a dinosaur. we'll put up pictures soon. submit your ideas for figurines!!! this could be a huge nerd-art movement's birth. dragon*con was cool but way too hectic - waldo needs some time to chill! i got a lot of attnention for my tacky painted shirt and ultra-dope knitted cap and god knows how many "I FOUND HIM!" comments from geeky people at the con. it was like the perfect setting for a waldo watching too - i was very pleased with myself. hopefully i'll update sooner next time.

u <3 collages!Collapse )
Create your own! Originally Written By ga_woo, Hosted and ReWritten by darkman424
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Tuesday, May 23rd, 2006

Time:7:27 am.
its hard for me to update this thing as much as i used to. i guess because i'm used to dumping whatever emotional baggage i had to the winds of livejournal. i miss being that carefree about it, but i've discovered that more people than i think read this thing. i'm still in the process of learning that other people have differing opinions about me, too. i guess the me i think i am and the me other people think i am are having a showdown. i'm also working to redefine my self-image into a more productive, responsible guy. you know - that likeable guy who's quietly supportive and confident in himself and his friends. most of it involves just keeping myself working constantly. all the slacking i did back in the day is catching up to me, and i'm having to work twice as hard to keep pace. i realized that if i had been working harder before, i would've been in a better situation before. for some reason, i had always accepted that i would go through some "down" phase like this, so i plunged ahead knowingly - believing it would give me some sort of philosophical vantage point of "having really been there." i guess i've just finally gotten to the point where i am through cutting out things so i can coast easier. i'm working two jobs right now, trying to save some bank, but they both suck ass. i could be working two better jobs and probably making twice as much money. or at least 50% more. the financial class we're taking has made us more aware of our money - and the potential it has if we don't use it. so i'm thinking about trying to save for a down payment on a house, once i get a real-er job, and a real-er part-time job. also thinking about a nice vacation, which is kind of difficult because we already have been traveling about every 3 months or so. i just really don't like worrying about money, so i either hoard it or blow it - no in-between. i made a budget in hopes of controlling my self, but that has never been my strong point. one good thing is that i can finally justify things that i new i needed but could easily go without - like clothes and shoes. still working on the shoes actually - but i am ready to spend! still got a lot on my to-do lists. i carry paper around from time to time, but the pad gets all crazy in my pocket, and i don't check the list enough, so it's kind of counter-productive. keeping the motivation is the mystery for me. rationalizing that the work is worth something doesn't do a whole lot when you can feel the joy of sitting around. oh yeah, my part-time job is delivering the newspaper (st. pete times), so i get up at like 1:30am and go down to this warehouse, roll my papers, chunk 'em in the rhino, and haul ass to people's houses 7 days a week. the pay is ok, and i love cruising, but the sleep is kind of a pain in the ass. thinking about finding my better job somewhere in st. pete so i can get a bike and tempt fate daily. i had a lot of fun in athens pretending i was a car, but you can't really do that where the speed limit is 55mph.

recent highlights:

pelé is back in action, his leg is all healed up, and he's back to his crazy self. his meows have gotten a lot louder and more pathetic.

we found a fondue pot for $1 and a heap of old bay seasoning for free at a garage sale.

saw like 15 gators, random birds, 8 or so turtles, and snuck up and spooked like 4 fish canoeing last weekend.

lots of free festivals and museums visited lately.

6' tall bookshelf keeping it real by swallowing two of our tiny bookshelves.

sarah's cooking getting mad props from hungry canoers. (badass snickerdoodle cookies... REE-spect)

purchase of cheap video games (animal crossing and metroid prime).

purchase of some clothes.

oil changes for our babies.

other stuff probably happened, ask sarah (fraucow).
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